Like Toy Soldiers
by samantha-anonymous
Summary: He's never come to understand love before, but once he meets Eren, he sees the brighter side of life. But in this non-perfect world, he struggles with intangible ideas and comes to harsh realizations about who we are as people and how our lives are essentially comparable of that to toys. [Slash, ErenxLevi]


**Disclaimer: I do not own AoT. If I did, I would probably write myself as a character. **

**Please note that this is purely slash, and if you have a problem with that, do not read. **

**Rated T for slightly mature language.**

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><p>Levi would tell himself that he was straight. He would whisper it over and over again as his mind wandered into treacherous thinking grounds of the same sex.<p>

His brain always denies that accusation, always leaving him to deal with the problems of him like that brat. The little brat, named Eren, always seemed to fascinate him with his cool, calm, collected turquoise green eyes, and thin, smiling lips. His stubborn personality, child-like demeanor, and his caring, excitable, and cute, but manly personality always seemed to attract him. Plus, Eren's Titan Form, with those piercing eyes, washboard abs, and attractive emo hair was a total turn on.

His love for the brat was subtle, sneaky and quiet, if not there at all. Yet, it was passionate, consuming, bothering and also innocent.

It was an accidental love, but full of purposeful loving. It was love, nonetheless.

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><p>He never seems to realize how lucky he was and how accepting his family was when certain events propelled him into a harsh, unknown reality.<p>

He had come out, to sunshine and rainbows, in this world of darkness and clouds. Those closest to him were the most supportive and those farthest, thought of the unfathomable. They all continue to serve him in this bleak time, no exceptions.

And that little brat doesn't ever seem to notice his feelings towards him, but even if Eren ever so seemed to indicate or acknowledge Levi's feelings for him, he sure as hell never made it obvious.

If words and actions could convey love, Levi sure as hell sucked at it. He had grown up in a loveless place where beatings and harsh reprimanding meant love. He never experienced the world above the underground, where love was a reality, a tangible thing. Love surely meant something that was sweet,, opulent, giving, caring, and nurturing. Love was harsh, he decided. Love wasn't all sappy and lovely. And perhaps for this reason, Levi treated his beloved pupil with a commanding attitude, and no love shown.

Everybody around him was probably aware of the feelings he housed for the boy. His cadet soldiers, his friends, and even that four eyed freak, Hanji, knew or had slight recognition of it. The only problem was that the brat didn't even notice or care about his feelings, and that made Levi feel vulnerable, weak, and disregarded. But his demeanor of steel always remained.

"Feelings make one exposed and weak. Feelings bring you down. Feelings are the enemy, Levi," he would reprimand himself. But as he got closer and closer to loving the brat, the more and more he hoped that they could be together. Hope was useless in this world for everybody, and he soon grew to accept the one sided love that he had.

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><p>The brat kissed him today. And Levi slapped him hard in the face. It wasn't a proud moment, Levi mused, and he would have never done that.<p>

It was the spite of the moment, and he was shocked. He couldn't believe that the brat had come on to him like that, nor had he ever known that he also was gay. He couldn't believe that the brat shared feelings for him despite how harsh Levi started coming on to him.

Just when he had started to accept the terms and conditions of their one sided love, it blossomed into a whole. No longer one sided, but two were enjoined together. Then it shattered into large pieces with the one mistake he had made, and supposedly broke Levi's heart in the process. He could mend those large pieces of his heart to make it whole, but only for everyone to see the cracks and brokenness of himself. "But what heart did you have?" he mused silently as he ran off to his private bunker. He wept silently and eventually fell asleep to the comfort of salt stained tears on his pillow and the melodious sounds of his heart beating.

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><p>He's never told anybody this, but when he's angry he likes to sing. He shouts at the world in pieces of melodies, because he feels as if the harmony and the beauty of singing would calm down the world around him, and the world inside of him.<p>

He's angry because he slapped the love of his life in the face. He's angry because his cadets have been killed in the rampage of the titan kind. He's angry that the world can't accept who he is and likes to toy with his feelings. But mostly he is just angry about everything in the world and angry because he can't have Eren now or forever.

And so he starts to sing in a smooth, jagged voice that is not louder that a shout, but is not quieter than a whisper.

_"Step by step, heart to heart_

_Left right left, we all fall down_

_Step by step, heart to heart, left right left_

_We all fall down like toy soldiers_

_Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win_

_But the battle wages on for toy soldiers_

_I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure_

_Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders_

_I am never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it_

_Even if it means goin' toe to toe with a Benzino it don't matter_

_I'd never drag them in battles that I can handle unless_

_I absolutely have to I'm supposed to set an example_

_I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em_

_If some shit ever just pop off, I'm supposed to be beside 'em_

_And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it_

_I spent too much energy on it, honestly I'm exhausted_

_And I'm so caught in it I almost feel I'm the one who caused it_

_That was never my object for someone to get killed_

_Why would I wanna destroy something I help build_

_It wasn't my intentions, my intentions was good_

_I went through my whole career without ever mentionin'_

_Now it's just out of respect for not runnin' my mouth_

_And talkin' about something that I knew nothing about_

_So I did, I just fell back, watched and gritted my teeth_

_I'm talkin' a man who literally saved my life_

_Step by step, heart to heart, left right left_

_We all fall down like toy soldiers_

_Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win_

_But the battle wages on for toy soldiers_

_We still have soldiers that's on the front line_

_That's willing to die for us as soon as we give the orders_

_Never to extort us, strictly to show they support us_

_But I ain't try na have none of my people hurt and murdered_

_It ain't worth it, I can't think of a perfecter way to word it_

_Then to just say that I love y'all too much to see the verdict_

_I'll walk away from it all before I let it go any further_

_Step by step, heart to heart, left right left_

_We all fall down like toy soldiers_

_Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win_

_But the battle wages on for toy soldiers"_

It's meant to be fast, flowing song. He knows that, but for him to have it sung out smooth and long, just emphasizes the beauty, pain, and longing. Slow songs are beautiful and yearning and they express desire that is sometimes unachievable.

He doesn't notice the figure that stands by the door, who listens to every single word he sings. The stranger that listens by the door, and hears every beautiful breath and word he utters.

"Your voice is beautiful, you know?" the figure by the door finally speaks, "I just didn't even know, well never heard your true voice before. It's so beautiful that it moves me so, and yet again, I've fallen in love with you only to have you hate me more and more."

He shocked at this intermission, and looks to the doorways and sees the figure; he doesn't need to turn to the figure to know who it is – he's been hooked on the sweet melody of that voice for eons.

"Brat," he calls out, but there's a hint of a smile on his face. "I was wondering if you'd ever come back after the way I treated you."

"Don't call me brat. My name is Eren." the brat whispers in the air, but it is still loud and clear. "And just to be clear, sir, I would always come back for you. Always."

"Always is a strong word, brat," Levi calls out, before Eren leaves the room.

And Levi can hear the brat's scowls loud and clear as he exits my room, but he and Eren both know that inside, we are happy and smiling.

For the first time, Levi feels like feelings are not a weakness, but merely they are a strength given to those who can use them amiably to achieve whatever they shall in this messed up world.

Love drives people to crazy things they said, but for one who has never experienced love before in his love; it might drive him absolutely insane.

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><p>It's a blissful relationship, the two of them. They're stuck in their own world now, but people are dying from the Titans, a group of invading giants who eat off men like they are pieces of candy that they can't seem to get enough of.<p>

Humanity seemed to be dwindling past the mark of extinction, but the fact is, Levi and Eren help save this world a little a day. Eren, with his rogue Titan abilities fights the Titans off, and Levi with his superior skill and effortless "charisma" happen to cut back all the Titans. It just so happens that they are Humanities Loveliest couple, and while Levi hates that title, he can't but feel pride at this title bestowed to him and his lover.

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><p>The wars been going well, and it's coming to a point where the humans are wining. But something is still off, the fact that Annie and some other evil Titan Shifters are alive. Although, Annie's accomplices Reiner and Bertholdt are dead, the Titans are still relentless. Both sides won't give up the fight, and because of that, the tides can change and so can the fortunes.<p>

And that's when Eren decides that one person's death in war can change the fates, and he wants to be that person. He doesn't care if it's a vain decision or a selfish one, because he knows that there is justification to his logic. And to change fate, you sometimes need to change destiny too.

So, it's a suicide mission that Eren signs up for. But he doesn't tell Levi because he knows that it will drive him crazy with anger, and refusal. But he wants to help the world defeat the Titans, so he can avenge his friends, his mother, his family, and the ones that were ever hurt by the Titans – so in essence, everybody.

It's nearing the end of the fight, and everybody knows it. And that's why Annie, another human and evil Titan shifter, wants to meet him. She wants to fight for the Titans; he wants to help fight for the humans.  
>She's sent him notes, letters; all anonymously delivered to his room. He always reads them and after every note he decides that he will continue to go on to meet her, in this undisclosed location where they agree on. He wants to forests, she wants the walls, but they know that in order for a meeting to happen, the walls are the place to go.<p>

He knows it's a trap but in this one moment he swears, that because he has a chance, he will not deny it. He will try to kill the she –demon Annie Leonheart. And if he do so succeeds, he will want to find Reiner and Berthold and talk to them face to face before he goes and tries to slaughter them.

And that day where he knows he might die, he leaves a message to the world and to Levi, telling them of his unprecedented fate. He hopes that in his heart, Levi will forgive him for this action, yet he doesn't know.

So to the walls he goes, to meet Annie; he's wearing a simple tunic and pants, unequipped with self harming weapons of any kind, and free of any get away devices. He sees Annie there too, and she herself appears to be clean of any kind of weapons, her self-inflicting wound ring, and any sort of escape mechanisms.

They make small conversation, and all hopes of peace are left in the dust as Annie starts to talk. It's clear that when Annie talks, you want to listen, because Annie doesn't talk much but when she does, it's important.

"Eren," Annie says, "I was wondering if you would have had the guts to show up."

The brat doesn't answer, but acknowledges her voice and "speech".

"I almost didn't show up, Annie. I thought it was a trap," Eren says back to her.

She smiles her smile then bits down through her hand, hard. Explosions gust outwards in an violent manner, until the winds and smoke die down and he can see a giant, nude, Titan female that was once Annie.

She opens her mouth wide, and picks him up in the air, gingerly and carefully, but makes sure that his mouth is far away from any place that might cause him to inflict pain on himself.

People start to come out of their windows to watch the scene, and of the many, Eren sees Levi. Zooming towards the high, towered walls Levi flies towards Eren to save him.

"Annie, don't do this, " the brat pleads, but Levi can see its' useless and any minute now the Titan will kill his boyfriend. "Do not destroy the world around you, less yourself."  
>"We used to be friends, Annie? What changed?" he utters. "What changed?"<p>

Annie doesn't spare him a glance, and reaches down to grab Eren midair. Levi watches as Eren squirms in her grasp, but he can't watch anymore and turns back disgusted. And finally when he doesn't hear Eren's spine chilling screams or the frightening sound of the snapping spine in Eren's back, he turns back to watch. But Annie's already gone from the scene.

And all that's left is a broken body that lies in blood, paralyzed and eye wide with shock. He's not dead yet, but close to death. "Eren…," Levi cries out loud.

And Eren closes his eyes, and says to him, "The pain is unbearable, Levi. It's inescapable."

This time Levi knows that there is no saving of Eren's soul, and to console Eren he whispers quietly, "It's your time, it's not your fault."

"You know, I love you too right?" Eren says, "Even though you've never said it, I can tell that you love me."

"Yes, I love you too, Eren," Levi says, and continues to hug and hold Eren in his grasp.

"I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life, Levi. And for that I am sorry for my actions," Eren says leaving a confused Levi behind. "All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name. And you Levi are the thing for which I have yearned and now can name."

He takes one last breath of air, and then the soul escapes from his body and into the thin air. Levi can hear his once beating heart pump into oblivion, and his tanned skin fade into bleach. But the blood still continues to seep, the heart continues to weep, and nothing else has changed beside the world around him.

"Brat" Levi whispers before breaking down into tears, while holding the lifeless soldier in his embrace. "Don't leave me brat; don't leave me now or forever."

But Eren left Levi there, stuck in the world of harsh realities as he wandered into the unknown.

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><p>On the last day of the fight, he gives up.<p>

"It's useless," he cries. "There's no point in fighting if he's not here."

He knows that it's not useless though, and that his effort is needed, but he just doesn't seem to have the energy left after Eren's death.

His friends, what good friends they are, don't seem to bother him. They know what pain he holds in his heart, and so to please Levi, they go out into the field. It's not as easy to fight the behemoths without Levi here to guide them, but they make do and try harder than ever before.

There down to the last wave of Titans, and how ironic it seems, that once before the Titans, who were in large masses, came to eat the small human beings. But fate has reversed itself now for the small to take over the ever so receding population of the large Titans.

Levi still watches, perched from his ledge. He feels guilty for not participating in the battle, but he has strong reassurances that his team will succeed and nothing will go wrong.

Until finally, something, rather someone showed up – Annie.

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><p>If looks could kill, everyone around Levi would have died on a daily basis. But this look in particular that Levi flashed the Titan was a murderous and hateful glare.<p>

"Why are you here, Annie," he spits with a roaring voice."

"Well, you see, I'm quite proud of what I did. Do you know how good it felt to kill that brat? You know, I loved hearing the sickening snap of his bones, and his lovely screams, as well as the contorted face that he made as he groped in pain. And oh, how ever so lovely does it feel to have his blood stained forever on my hands."

Levi couldn't take any more of Annie's teasing, and barring his teeth and collecting himself into a fighting stance, he approached Annie.

"Hit me," Annie laughs, being the masochist she is, "I know you wouldn't hit a girl."

Annie comes forwards to Levi, and as she moves, is greeted with a slap to the face, and a stern kicking to the chest. "Don't guarantee anything, Annie," he says.

As he continues to go on and about beating up the girl, the townspeople come, watching the spectacle. They hate the wretched woman more than nothing and help beat her down, with sticks and stones.

As she falls on to the ground, crumpled and beaten, she bound to the ground, arms and legs spread out wide and her mouth is taped shut to prevent her from transforming into her murderous self.

But underneath her duct taped bounds, you can hear her happy but angry screams of explicit words. And when Levi draws out his blades out of his gear, an unnerving look of silence and fear came into her eyes, all happiness and smiles leaving her eyes. The roars of the townspeople fill the streets, and with the jeers of pressure and excitement, he grabs the blades and advances on to kill her.

He thrusts the blades in two her neck, severing her head from her spine. It was the way that Eren died, and he felt that it was best to repay what had been reaped. He cuts her into a bloody mess, with cut and bruises everywhere. Her eyes are open to convey the horror, fear and silence during her last moments, and the duct tape off her mouth has been ripped off to express her helpless display. And the faint echoes of her voice bounce around in the street. Her screams don't haunt the villagers, rather, it pleases them.

Knowing that the girl is dead, he continues to taunt her, "Karma's a bitch, you know?"

And he walks away, smiling with his sadistic smile. It's been the first time he's smiled since Eren's death and for the first time he feels like he's back to his old self – the cruel, sadistic, and non loving person. And yet from the remembrance of Eren and their memories he feels evolved – loving, new, kind. Perhaps he could find a split compromise in between, but for now, he feels as if he should rest and stay where he is.

As he walks away from the grueling scene where the townspeople stand cheering over the dead Titaness, Annie, he exclaims, ""Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est." (AN: Means "Applaud, my friends, the comedy is over.")

So everyone applauds to the new age. The rebel Titans have been defeated, and with this victory the war was won. Won with Annie's hubris, won with Levi's pain and skill, and won with Eren's sacrifice and indirect kill.

And for the first time in forever, there is peace in the society. The fighting has not quelled, but humanity is definitively saved.

* * *

><p>"He's just a pawn in this world." That's what Levi realizes as he flashes back to Eren's death and the war against the Titans.<p>

"We're wind up objects. We do our functions until the spinner in the hole stops turning and we're unable to function again."

"We're porcelain dolls. We are not perfect, but are made to look and be perfected. We're fragile and easily breakable. Once we're cracked on the outside we break into tiny pieces. These tiny pieces, while broken, cannot be mended to be new again; rather they are temporarily fixed by strings of glue that hold them together. It's glued so that we can see the cracks that broke us own, and to see the residue that cages and holds these pieces together. Those pieces that are bound together are what we are made of – feelings and memories. All of them are fragile, all of them are dangerous, all of them can be hurt; all can be re-explored, all can be broken over and over and all are part of you."

"We're like toy soldiers. We are wound up like dolls, we are like dolls; but we are a complex, being that we are toy soldiers. We can break like those porcelain dolls; we can also run out of life as we serve to die. But there is much difference between us. We fight and obey, but ultimately we are controlled by intangible beings who wish to change us so. We lose ourselves to the hands of each other, and we lose each other to everyone else."

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><p>He wants to die to reunite with his loved one again. It's a Romeo and Juliet story this is – giving up his life for the one he lost. He's contemplated it for a while, even thinking about it as he flashed back through his memories of the war, Eren, and life.<p>

But giving his life up is a selfish task, he realizes. Giving up his life to never experience life and joy, or perhaps to go on to another world and never seemingly find his love? Worthless.

And he so forth decides that he will continue to live so that he can keep the promises that he once made to his lover. To always love, to cherish, and to always stay.

He will live in this hell on Earth, so that he can die into a paradise in the sky.

And as he lives on this hell on Earth, the stars give him hopes and dreams. He prays to them every night as sunset turns to dusk.  
>"Turn him into stars and form a constellation in his image. His face will make the heavens so beautiful that the world will fall in love with the night and forget about the garish sun."<p>

And the suns and the stars grant his everlasting wish. Every night as the sun's sky turns to the night realms; he can just as so make out the figure of his love and see him for as long as the stars shine and remember the memories his made.

And eventually one day, he knows that he will achieve paradise in the sky. Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience. Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise, because of impatience we cannot return. But Levi has been patient in waiting, and though the everlasting sins from the war hang over his head like a noose, his actions have been pardoned as a gift from god and his actions were justified and there all other sinning actions were considered void.

Happiness in this world, when it comes, comes incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! The next story, a Jelsa story, will be coming up around Christmas!<strong>

**RATE AND REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Thanks to all my fans out there, **

**samantha-anonymous**


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